Kain Vili

[Kain Vili]

This is my first time i have never been to an rp before so i am not quite sure what to do i created a character as best i could and would like a little help on learning to rp if no one wants to help me thats fine i will just find another place and try this again thanx for reading my thread.

Name: Kain Vili
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Height: 5'5"
Eyes: Green
Hair: brown
Weight: 150 lbs
Description: He has brown hair, is about average in height with a unsmiling face, green eyes and thick eyebrows he also has a slanted scar across his left eye
Strengths: Hes an excellent Stratigist/Tactian.
Weaknesses: He has a fear of spiders
Background: A direct descendnt of one of Luthair Paendrag's generals and a former seanchan Imperial captain he comes from a long line of noble warriors and his family has served the crystal throne ever sense its establishment he was trained by his father in matters of weapons and warfare and trained in the ways of the blood by his mother and prefers being a soldier he left on the Corenne to return to the land of his ancestors and for the moment resides in Ebou Dar. Kain is an intelligent tactian and can carry his own weight in battle but will usually try and find a peaceful way to resolve things his loyalty to the empress and the crystal throne is unrivaled but he sometimes disaproves of there methods his weapon is a unique spear named Era'aman'nor that is Power Wrought, though he doesn't know it.

[Temanin]

First and foremost, I'd ask that you attempt follow American Standard grammar and diction structures. Basically, throw some periods and commas in there every once in a while and capitalization wouldn't hurt, either. If you have a word processor like Microsoft Word, I'd also recommend writing everything in there first, as it generally shows most spelling and grammar mistakes. I say this because it makes your text a lot easier to read and understand. With a two-page sentence, for instance, it may be difficult to keep one's attention on it. Most people have a habit of sort of just ignoring such typing displays, regardless of the ideas and concepts contained within. I don't really know how to teach grammar, but...if you need any help with that, too, just let me know. ^^

As to your bio; it seems that you properly filled in all of the categories so you seem to understand the basics of bio-building. Granted, there are a few minor problems that I'd like to point your attention to. The character bio's major purpose is in allowing other players to quickly get an understanding of what your character is all about. For instance, if I wanted to RP a scene in which I first meet your character, I would have absolutely no idea what his body build was like. I know that he's 5'5" and 150 lb, but is he lanky? Does he have short legs? Does he have a bit of a gut to him? Does he have wide or narrow shoulders? Knowing these things can help the other players a lot. So, with it as it is currently, this is all I could say:

"Tarac grimaced as the brown-haired Seanchan entered the room. He was almost a foot shorter, barely reaching Tarac's shoulder."

But now let's say that you fleshed out your physical description, I could say something like this:

"Tarac grimaced as the brown-haired Seanchan entered the room. He was almost a foot shorter - barely reaching Tarac's shoulder - but carried himself in such a way as to appear in command of all. The scar across his eye caused Tarac to unintentionally wince as it still looked fresh and recently gained. His short legs made him look as though he scuttled quickly across the floor but his wide shoulders clearly stated that anyone would be punished for saying so.

And so on and so forth. It'll also help you keep an accurate picture of your character in your mind, as all RPers have a habit of shifting their characters' attributes and habits in their mind from time to time. Now I'm not saying that you need to write a novel about the fellow's appearance; just add a bit more to it.

As for the background section...*shrug* When we first started here, these things were usually pretty long and involved. But, we've started lowering our rather strict requirements in order to allow more RPs to start; to no real end. Regardless, I'd say that this is more than acceptable in order to get a character off and running. I have but one concert about his background and I'd imagine that others could guess what that would be.

Previously, his spear had simply been Power-wrought. We aren't too quick to just give those away to new players - as the world would be flooded very quickly with this now rather rare forging art - but we've given them away enough. In other words, I was okay with it being Power-wrought because he didn't know it. We are even less likely, however, to give away anything that ends with 'angreal. Here's the explanation for that:

Say that I start with a angreal that gives me a 30% increase to my weave strength. This would mean that from the very get-go, I would have enough power to throw around fireballs even though I can barely light a candle without it. I would also say that a 30% increase is fairly small for an angreal.

It's the same this with ter'angreal. Your spear allows you to see the weaves of the One Power. 1. That's either useless to you because you don't know what you're seeing or 2. you've been trained to recognize weaves, which is an extreme advantage even over, say, and Aes Sedai Initiate. Think of your character as though you've just created him in a computer game. You'll be lucky to start with a club and the rags on your back. We're rather generous in what your background can be; I don't have any problem with you being a military strategist at the age of 20 even if it is a bit of a stretch. But 'angreal are simply tools that instantly make one character superior to others and we can't have that straight from character creation.

Now, if you'd like to go on a quest first thing in order to claim this family heirloom and the GM decides that you worked hard enough for it, then you'll probably be awarded it. So to make a long story short, I'd recommend changing the spear back into a Power-wrought blade and being done with it for now.

So...that's all I have for the moment. More will come to me after I post but I think that's enough critiquing for now. ^^

[Kain Vili]

Understood

[Temanin]

You ask for help then apparently get upset when I give it. *rolls eyes* Regardless, if you ever come back, I changed the little thing about your ter'angreal and "approved" you.